Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
