dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
