I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
