dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I would fuck him just for his dog
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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