I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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