So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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