he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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