you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
