The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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