Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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