my phone needs a breathalizer
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
