I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
