I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
