That's intense
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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