I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
please don't ironically join a cult
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