tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
