I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
