I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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