To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
