I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
