Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
