hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
