I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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