Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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