omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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