Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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