if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
