I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
