pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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