I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
