I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
