Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
