btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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