there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
