Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
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