And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
