If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
