It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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