There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
