Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
