Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
