im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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