apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
So apparently I’m into choking now
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
