I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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