Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
