Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
