My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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