I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
