What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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