just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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