Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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