I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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