remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
