you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
