I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
